Warning: this story is not a pleasant one. It will probably make you laugh, but I recommend not reading it while dining. Consider yourself warned...
I must have been acting too cocky about this whole "mother of two" thing lately. Someone in the big house upstairs thought I needed to be knocked down a few notches, just to remind me that I really have zero control over the situation, and that I must just roll with it...lesson learned.
Eddie went out of town on Friday for the weekend. He has done this before, and I can handle the boys just fine... of course, it's easier when he is there because we can tag team, but I can still manage on my own-- hell, I do it every day!
Well, Friday after naps, I needed to run out to Buy Buy Baby (have I mentioned how amazing that store is??), and then I thought I would take the boys to Moes for dinner. It's loud in there, so Andy could "talk," Cal could be his piece of work self and all would be well. Right as we pulled in, my aunt called and wanted to stop in and see the boys--- can I just say THANK GOD she did.
We went through the line and got everything set up on the table. Cal started making the "I am pooping" face, so I waited until he was done, and I ran out to the car to grab a pull up (we aren't potty training anymore-- more on that in the 2yr update, coming next week). I took Cal to the bathroom (this is before we have taken one bite of food). He got on the changing table and was completely dry and clean. Huh. He saw the potty and was insistent that he pee on the potty- fine, no problem. He was also insistent upon wearing the pull up instead of the diaper. Fine, no problem. I got him off of the potty, put him in the pull up, and tossed the other diaper in the trash. Well, he started making the poop face again, so I quickly whipped off the pullup, so he could go on the potty, to not dirty another diaper...
well. The next thing I know, he has explosive diarrhea all over the bathroom floor of Moes. Like, ALL over the floor-- corner to corner. My legs: covered. Cal's legs: covered. The sides of the toilet/trash can/sink/etc etc: covered. At Moes, there is one room for the bathroom, with just a toilet and a changing table, and I knew there was a line forming waiting for us to vacate the room.
yes, that's right.
I just stood there, in total disbelief that that much came out of him. Cal just stood there pointing saying "oh no, momma! look! oh no!" Yes, Cal. Oh no is right. Once again, THANK GOD my aunt was out at the table with Andy and all of our food. I don't know what I would have done.
So stood there surveying the damage, and wondered if I should just grab Cal under my arm and book it out of there (I would never, but gah, was it tempting!), I decided I had no choice but to start cleaning. I used about 800 wipes and then paper towels, and then toilet paper and got us all clean. I am not a gagger. I don't puke. But let me tell you, my friends, I was gagging like you would not believe in the Moes bathroom. Cal thought me gagging was hysterical. He was laughing so hard he snorted.
Oh, and to top it off? The pull up got just a teensy bit on it as I whipped it off and Cal refused to put it back on (can't say I blame him....), he kept saying "No, momma- dirty!" So, I had to dig in the trash can (under soiled paper towels) to find the original diaper to put on him. Oh, yes I did.
So we were finally cleaned up and scrubbed down with just about every drop of soap in the dispenser and we walked out of the bathroom and there was a pregnant woman waiting who looked like she was about to float out of there she had to pee so badly. Bless her heart... I am sure she was cursing me up and down (and even more so once she walked in there and caught a whiff...).
We got back to the table and Cal was starving-- he certainly made room for dinner-- and he wanted up in the chair. My face was HOT red and my hair was a mess and I was sweating something fierce. My aunt looked at me and said "what happened in there??" I filled her in and we were both dying laughing. Well, Cal was eating away as we are talking and then he chimed in "poopoo potty, momma! poopoo potty!" I said "yes, Cal, you poopooed next to the potty." And he said "NO, Momma, poopoo!" Well, he was right. He did poopoo. In his high chair.
yes. that's right.
Up his back.
Dinner is over. I picked him up, oh so carefully, and got him to the car where I laid him down in the trunk to clean him up. We headed home and I was really turning some kind of a hot mess by this point!
You'd think this story was done, but that person up in the big house realllllly wanted to prove a point to me.
Andy was starving by this point and I was ready to give him his oatmeal mixed with breast milk. For those of you who nursed, you know how sacred breast milk is. Pumping takes time and you don't want to waste what you have. (I saw a card one time that said: "there is no use crying over spilled milk...unless you just pumped it. Then you can cry your eyes out)
I got Andy in the high chair, ready to go, and Cal walked into the bathroom and started saying potty potty potty over and over again. Then he started ripping off his diaper. I was NOT about to clean up another mess of that proportion, so I ran into the bathroom to get him on the potty. While he was sitting there peeing, I heard a crash in the kitchen. Andy grabbed the bowl of cereal and threw it across the room (seriously, Andy?!?!?!). And it was a really big bowl because homie can eat.
Being the stellar mom that I am, I ran to it (after getting Cal off the toilet), and started scrapping it into the bowl. Once I saw a dog hair I stopped. I was a little ridiculous, but I wanted him to have a full bowl so he would sleep well, etc. Sue me. Oh, then Hank pounced on top of the mixture and licked it all up.
Are you vomiting yet? Because I am about to just retelling this.
So THAT was the kickoff to our solo weekend without Daddy! That was also the start of the countdown until his return. I believe it was also the start of me cracking a beer. That person up in the big house knows I earned it. And then some!
Having two kids is hard. I am not ever saying otherwise.
Here are two pictures from Friday night in their "Pregame Jammies" that they wear the night before TCU plays:
xoxoxo!
